Angry Fingers (Revision 2)
Revision 2I laid myself out prone for my masseuseto let her fingers do their magic work.Her pent up anger pried my muscles loose;my flesh personified her ex, "The Jerk."She told of how he boasted of...
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A fun read, Pete. The plural "elephants" bothered me, because I think you really meant to say he was hung like an elephant (unless he had several sets of the requisite equipment). I'm also not sure of...
View ArticleRe: Angry Fingers (Revision 2)
This is funny. I too had difficulty with syncophant-elephants rhyme. Even without the plural, it's the only stant rhyme on the page, at least how I pronounce it. "syncophant," seems a little out of...
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Vaughn & Stephen,Thank you for your comments. This needs more than just a little revision. After reading it this morning I can see that the couplet is weak. The elephants rhyme was just a cheap...
View ArticleRe: Angry Fingers (Revision 2)
Nil desperandum, though.Great idea, and the poem has great potential.Best regards,David
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I agree with David - much to do, but worth the effort.Good luck!Nigel
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Hi Pete,I got a good chuckle from the mental image evoked here -- nice work, esp. the third quatrain. Good title. I understood that the protagonist and pummellee were not one and the same. Enjoyed...
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This is my first visit to the board, and I am delighted to run across your rubdown. I feel as if I am playing Echo, but sycophants/elephants is just tiny tusk short of working (though the attempt was...
View ArticleRe: Angry Fingers (Revision 2)
It seems to me that the elephants rhyme can be saved if the wording can be turned so that the word is possessive, such as in "who claimed his trunk hung like an elephant's." Now that line is maybe...
View ArticleRe: Angry Fingers (Revision 2)
Hello all:Thanks for your comments and insightful suggestions. I have posted a revision that seems to work.The funniest part of this whole poem is that I started out trying to write a sonnet about...
View ArticleRe: Angry Fingers (Revision 2)
Pete, I like what you've done with L4, but 5-8 and the couplet still seem labored. -M.
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Hi Mary:Sycophants and elephants be gone! I tried to save 'em, but they had to go. I had this 2nd quatrain done before I posted the 1st revision, but tried one more time with the 'phants.Crit...
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Hi Pete...I'm coming in late on this but wanted to stop and say how much I enjoyed the finished product. Great fun piece.Sue******************To have great poetry there must be great audiences, --Walt...
View ArticleRe: Angry Fingers (Revision 2)
The revisions really improved the original markedly. Always fun to see that happen.
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